Not on letting go, but holding on together

I have been holding on to this, must-be-independent, ideal for a long time now.  Through every romantic relationship I’ve had, there’s been some kind of disconnect, some part in me always holding back for fear of becoming dependent on someone else for my happiness. It was always very important for me to know that I could survive on my own. That I didn’t need to rely on any other one person. That I was one hundred and ten percent capable of doing anything I wanted, when I wanted, all by myself. Sometimes I find I’m making myself do things alone just to prove I can. However, a lot of times, I really don’t want to do those things alone. I’ve gotten to the point where I know I can, but I know they would be so much better if I had someone to share those experiences with. Sometimes I feel that the things I’ve done or the places I’ve seen are just a dream, because I didn’t have anyone there to share them with, or to look back on with. I also know that those moments may not have been as cherish-able as they are if someone had been by my side, and it is because of all those solo moments that I now feel so ready to share them.

It feels good to let someone be there, through good and bad; to be ok with not being ok, and needing somebody else to help you remember you can get through a tough time. It doesn’t make you weak or less independent to think that you couldn’t have gotten through something as easily without that person there. Letting someone be there for you can be harder than being there for someone else. Being vulnerable to letting people know you need them isn’t always easy. But I am learning that it sure does make things easier and what a beautiful thing it is to have a person you can let that happen with. I’m tired of holding back for fear of what could happen in the future. There is no way of telling what the future holds and if I haven’t let fear stop me in other aspects of my life, it’s about time I quit letting it stop me in this aspect. I’m starting to feel the energy it takes holding things in and trying to forget certain feelings exist, rather than just facing them head on and moving forward in whatever direction they take you. For the last few years I have gained this “give-no-fucks-nothing-to-lose” attitude when going for something new, be it a job opportunity or traveling, but I’ve yet to really just be free in letting people in. Because that is the one thing in which I feel like I’ve got something to lose. In giving myself to someone else, I could completely, and utterly, lose myself. It is the one thing I have always been afraid of. But I am at the point that I feel I am physically holding on so tightly, that I am tired…I am physically tired.

To facing your fears ❤


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