make it up as we go along

Sometimes I think, “Man, why can’t people just get rid of their old beliefs and move on with the times?”. Then I realize that I, myself, still get stuck in my own old ideas. Such as my ideas of where I thought I would be at this time in my life. That’s just the way we grew up though, with these ideas instilled in our heads: school, work, marriage…that’s life. I am pretty happy with where I am at. Sure, I am constantly wondering when I will find that one thing that over takes me and I decide to pursue as a “career”, however, I like to think I am enjoying the ride to finding that. While also in the back of my mind always thinking, I may never find the “one” thing. I’ve always been all over the board and loved trying different things. I want to know how to do everything, that is the problem. I have a hard time concentrating and trying to master just one thing. So, I have been trying to figure out how on earth I can involve it all. But aside from job/career stuff, I had these ideas when I was young about family and friends. There are people you think will always be around, or your relationships will never change. You love some people so much you can’t imagine that love changing. I thought when I was little I could never leave Tacoma. How could I? It’s where I grew up, it’s where my immediate family is, it’s where my best friends are, it’s close to the rest of my closest family. But then I left. At first thinking I would be back without a doubt when I was ready to settle down. That time still hasn’t come and I am not sure if Tacoma is the place I can do that. So, I say, that’s okay, but definitely Washington. How could I not settle and raise a family in my home state, which is so beautiful, has all the seasons (seemingly not equal time), and will at least be only hours away from the people I care about most? I’m still mostly on that train but trying very hard to not even think about that. Because things change. The way you thought life would be as a kid, is most likely a total 180. I mean of course I still love my family and best friends! And I think that I am one of the lucky few who has a solid group of friends that I have had for 10+ years, some 20+. For goodness sake, my brother is marrying my best friend of 19 years, sister! What girl didn’t dream of being sisters with their best friend when they were young?! That’s some story book shit. You can’t pinpoint all that changes, nor do I really want to. You just feel them, and sometimes it hurts a little, to let go of those ideas and plans you had. Realizing as you change, others do to. There just isn’t enough time to do all the things you want and spend enough with every one you want to. That’s one of the scary things about having kids, is when they are old enough to leave. And if they turn out like me, they just keep leaving and coming back and you never know for how long. That’s definitely harder on a mom than the kid. My mom is very supportive of everything I do. That is another thing I am very lucky to have, despite all the things that may make me angry about them, they are both very supportive. A lot of people who live my lifestyle don’t have that. They mostly get the, “When are you going to grow up, get a real job, do something with your life?”. A question about school may come up, or if I’m interested in working further in a certain field, but never any pushing, poking, or prodding. At least not yet…

Some relationships I never thought would be the tiniest bit distant, are right now…that’s ok. Because that doesn’t mean they always will be. Some people still have a lot to figure out, myself included, and it’s hard to understand what someone else is doing when you are trying to understand what you, yourself are doing. I just wish that everyone would recognize and respect that about one another and that your paths may have once been parallel, but if they aren’t any longer doesn’t mean they won’t at least cross again.

I certainly never would’ve foreseen my life as it is, and I feel that as time is going on I’m getting less of an idea about how it should be or how I want it to be in X amount of years. Maybe that is something we should all work on, having too many expectations can back fire, and plans, well, they don’t always work out. Now, I’m not being naïve here, and living some carefree, don’t give a fuck life. I’m just saying everyone has different end goals, if any, thus a different route to get to them. To each their own, that’s basically all I want to say. 🙂




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