Right? Something like that. So I’ve just been randomly writing word documents instead of just coming straight here because I don’t want to post all my silly ramblings that amount to nothing most of the time because I end up getting sleepy and abruptly stopping before getting to any kind of point. I guess I can’t differentiate between writing an article for a publication and blogging. I don’t need a point for a blog…do I? Not for this one I’ve decided. My hopes are that if I just start posting my seemingly aimless thoughts I’ll get some ideas and inspiration for articles and blogs that I can try and contribute to bigger platforms. I want to be able to do my own thing, but I have to start some where. I have to find some sort of outlet. I have to find a purpose in my writing. I mean, I don’t have to, but I just feel there is something in there…something good that will come pouring out in time. Just trying to get to that point. SO for now…here’s some ramblings from the last month.
Setting: working on a troll fishing tender in Southeast Alaska…
Okkk, Tubesocks & Travels huh? Well, Tubesocks’ isn’t even here with me on this adventure, much to my dismay. I would love to have him everywhere with me. And I have just been trying to not even think about him because I absolutely hate that he’s not with me.
I think I’m too tired to do this right now and I gotta get up and groove and move before a boat comes. Oy vey, why oh why do I get so tired as soon as I sit down. I just want to write sooomething. But I do not know what.
I love mornings.
Mornings are just so peaceful. Sometimes I just don’t want them to end. Especially at times like these where I am removed from the normal society. Sitting on a boat, off the coast of Alaska. Pretty fucking great. I used to hate mornings. I loved staying up late and sleeping in. I think my real consistent appreciation for mornings started in Nicaragua. It was similar to being here now, removed from society and you could actually find peace and quiet. There weren’t cars driving around or people hustling to work. I could go sit on the beach in utter solitude and watch the sunrise or just bask in the silence. Granted here on the Pavlof, there is constantly a generator running and we do have cell phone service, my phone isn’t constantly going off and I’m not constantly checking social media because the service isn’t good enough for that to load, thank goodness. In fact, I should just take a day or two where I leave my phone totally off. Back to the morning thing though! I cherish every silent minute of the morning, where I can let my thoughts flow and not get interrupted by anything else besides the sounds of nature. I’m always a little anxious just hoping that no one else wakes up in the house until I am ready to switch gears and begin my day, but that anxiety is kind of what makes me cherish each minute that I have alone.
I often don’t know where my thoughts are going anyway, well…does anyone ever? That’s why I just love to let them flow. See where they take me, what comes of them. Maybe I’ll get to some sort of epiphany or great idea. Perhaps one day it will all find its way out. Right now I feel like there has got to be something creative in there just waiting to get out but I can’t find the right words to explain whatever it is I think I have to say. Mornings are the best time to just let them be free. Free of distractions, or judgements, or…anything.
I also used to hate being alone…for the most part anyhow. I definitely didn’t enjoy playing by myself very much as a kid and solitude led to more thinking and I didn’t like being inside my head. It’s quite the opposite now. There are definitely times where your brain and thoughts are just going into places you want to get out of and you need the distraction of someone else, but the last couple of years I’d say more times than not I just want to sit alone and think. Maybe it’s because as you get older there are more distractions in life, and you don’t have that free, alone time to let your mind wander. I crave it now. All I’ve been able to think about lately is having my own boat where I can go out alone and sit on the water as long as I want, free of interruption. I’ve got to do it. I need a boat. I could try the sailboat living. Who knows. I’m not trying to focus too much on that now. The first next step is a camper. I need to travel and snowboard lots, that is for sure.
Being able to get some of these thoughts out is what makes me feel ready for the day. Purging them out, making room for new ones…kind of. They pretty much stay the same…but it still feels good to get them out a bit.
Perfect timing, the tender next door is starting to make noise and I bet the hustle and bustle of this one will start any second…
Back again, this might be some real rambling because everyone is up and the kids are, as usual, loud. So after reading this blog on she explores I am a little bit inspired, however, everything it said was exactly how I have felt, so while it makes me think, “ok, I am not the only one who thinks this way so why should I let it hold me back?”, it pounds the notion back in that anything I have to say has already been said. It’s so hard these days, there is so much out there on the internet. How on earth do you make yourself different? I don’t want to be just another “solo female travel adventure woman.” Most of these blogs have the same goal, to inspire others. I’m not exactly sure what I want to do. I do want to inspire others, but not necessarily by sharing my stories. Sometimes that can come off as, “hey, look at me, look what I did. You can too, if you try!” I want there to be something more but I just don’t know what it could be.
I like the idea of working with organizations like she jumps and shred betties to help get younger girls out there, or any lady for that matter, and to share other people’s stories. I don’t want to just blog my own feelings, adventures, and misadventures. But what else is there I could say?