Not on letting go, but holding on together

I have been holding on to this, must-be-independent, ideal for a long time now.  Through every romantic relationship I’ve had, there’s been some kind of disconnect, some part in me always holding back for fear of becoming dependent on someone else for my happiness. It was always very important for me to know that I could survive on my own. That I didn’t need to rely on any other one person. That I was one hundred and ten percent capable of doing anything I wanted, when I wanted, all by myself. Sometimes I find I’m making myself do things alone just to prove I can. However, a lot of times, I really don’t want to do those things alone. I’ve gotten to the point where I know I can, but I know they would be so much better if I had someone to share those experiences with. Sometimes I feel that the things I’ve done or the places I’ve seen are just a dream, because I didn’t have anyone there to share them with, or to look back on with. I also know that those moments may not have been as cherish-able as they are if someone had been by my side, and it is because of all those solo moments that I now feel so ready to share them.

It feels good to let someone be there, through good and bad; to be ok with not being ok, and needing somebody else to help you remember you can get through a tough time. It doesn’t make you weak or less independent to think that you couldn’t have gotten through something as easily without that person there. Letting someone be there for you can be harder than being there for someone else. Being vulnerable to letting people know you need them isn’t always easy. But I am learning that it sure does make things easier and what a beautiful thing it is to have a person you can let that happen with. I’m tired of holding back for fear of what could happen in the future. There is no way of telling what the future holds and if I haven’t let fear stop me in other aspects of my life, it’s about time I quit letting it stop me in this aspect. I’m starting to feel the energy it takes holding things in and trying to forget certain feelings exist, rather than just facing them head on and moving forward in whatever direction they take you. For the last few years I have gained this “give-no-fucks-nothing-to-lose” attitude when going for something new, be it a job opportunity or traveling, but I’ve yet to really just be free in letting people in. Because that is the one thing in which I feel like I’ve got something to lose. In giving myself to someone else, I could completely, and utterly, lose myself. It is the one thing I have always been afraid of. But I am at the point that I feel I am physically holding on so tightly, that I am tired…I am physically tired.

To facing your fears ❤

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And it just keeps going..

Winter is still going strong around here, 2.5 months after my last post. I had one of the best days of the season just the other day, April 14th. A bluebird powder day. Being from the Northwest, those are still a glorious thing to me. They just never get old, it’s like all the stars aligned and you can do anything . This time of year is tough because things are slowing down, but then you get those surprise, sleeper, powder days and it takes you back to mid-winter, you aren’t ready for it to end! Then you get all the in between days, rainy, windy, not much going on kinda days where you just wish the seasons would make up their minds. I keep forgetting it’s mid-April though, thus procrastinating on my moves for summer. Which mostly consist of locking down a job. I want to go back up to Alaska and fish. I just have to get on a boat first! I need to get on it because with storms continuing to be in the forecast, and the snow sticking around, it’s going to be June before I know it, and I definitely need to have something set up by then.

 

On another note, I got accepted to SNC and made my first pitch to a magazine 🙂 I have no idea what I am going to do with the school thing at the moment, mainly because I may be working when it starts because they are on a semester schedule and, well, I will need that money pretty dang bad if I am going to be going to school. I’ve got a few things to figure out that is for sure! As for the pitch, I don’t know if I will hear anything back, but I am proud of myself for finally submitting it because I have been thinking about it for months now. Even if I hear a no, I won’t let it discourage me, I will pitch to others because I believe this idea has a place to go! I also have a perfect platform on which I can post it myself, I just think who and what it’s about deserves to reach more people. A small step is still a step. Sometimes I get in these ruts where I don’t know what to do, or where to go next. I overwhelm myself with possibilities and all these things I want, that I get to the point where I shut down entirely. I go the complete opposite way I should be going, I no longer want to think about any of it, and I just wait. I wait for something to magically appear, until I can get myself out of that rut and start making moves again, one at a time, one foot in front of the other. I’m hoping that submitting that pitch was a step out of that rut. Occasionally, I take a step or two out of it, and end up right back in it when I don’t have an instant result or epiphany. I give my mom a hard time about giving up too easily and wanting instant results…I’m seeing that I have that problem myself these days. I’m trying to take my own advice, which is something I think I need to do more often. It’s much easier to give it when you are removed from the situation and looking from the outside, not realizing that you are, in fact, in that same situation. Sticking with things is the only way I am ever going to get anywhere. I am so easily discouraged these days because I feel like I am constantly one step behind. I’m constantly thinking, “If only I would have figured this or that out years ago, I could be one of these successful people, now I’m just late to the party hoping to hop on the bandwagon.” My thoughts are rather contradicting, because at the same time I am such a strong believer that things happen for a reason. Bummed that I didn’t hear about a job until the application date had passed, but also thinking, that just means it wasn’t for me. Something WILL come around. I can’t ever stop believing that I will find the thing, my niche. I just need to remember that in the mean time I simply have to keep doing the things that I love, and they will eventually lead me there, to that bluebird powder day.

The Tahoe affect

Well I never updated on my last trip to Tahoe, but I am back in Tahoe! So how’s that for an update. Haha By the way things started I’m a little surprised I ended up back here so soon. I was starting to think that all the frustrations I had with the area before I left last Spring would pop back up instantly. But they didn’t, and when I left, I certainly didn’t feel ready to. I had a commitment at Mt. Hood though so I had to head north on the 20th, it was for a best buds 30th birthday that we had planned for a couple of months, I definitely didn’t want to miss it! However, like I said, I didn’t feel ready to leave Tahoe and I was thinking if go back up north I should hang out there for a bit and do some mountain tours up there, or at least hang out in Greenwater for a bit. I just couldn’t though. I got back to Tacoma Friday night, headed to the Oregon coast Saturday morning, then Mt. Hood Sunday-Tuesday. I did a day trip to Crystal Wednesday because I just had to get up there and really figure out where I wanted to be, so I couldn’t wait to get up there and ride and just see how everything felt. It was an awesome fun day. I rode solo for most the day then met up with Becca for a couple of runs. It was a pretty solid full day, then I went back to town so I could hang with my momma and get some stuff done down there Thursday. Friday I went back up for some more hot laps then Hilary and I did a short, mellow sunset split. It was my first split this season, unfortunately it took me to the end of January to get out there but hopefully that was the first of many. The sunset was pretty anticlimactic but I was proud of us for actually doing what we said we would the day before. It’s pretty easy for us to ride down to The Elk, have a beer and a slice then just say eh fuck it, let’s cruise down the hill to GW. I had planned on staying at least Friday night in Greenwater but after we finally got that slice and a drink, I was just ready to get down to town and not be up at the mountain on the weekend. Crystal crowds are nothing compared to Squaw crowds so I don’t know why I had such a loss of motivation to be there on a Saturday. But once I turn it off, it’s a bit hard to turn it back on. So I went down the hill. I was so ready to go back to Tahoe suddenly. I felt this giant pull to be back down here, it’s hard to explain. I just feel being immersed in a community of likeminded people is better for my mental state, my motivation, my inspiration. I mean, in Greenwater there are plenty of likeminded individuals but it’s such a small community and there simply just isn’t the opportunities right there in the vicinity of the resort as there are here in Tahoe. Pretty much anything I have thought I wanted to do, or have an interest in, is right here in arm’s length. It’s tough for me some times to think that I live a different lifestyle than the “norm” because when I spend so much time in seasonal jobs, or places, or areas like Tahoe, where it’s not a different lifestyle, people get it, they understand it…they live it. At least my best friends get it, because that’s just been me for so long now, hopping around, trying different things. I forget that some people don’t understand it or think maybe it’s just a phase and I should grow up some time and try and gain some stability. I think stability is relative. No one knows my financial state, and it’s no one’s business, but if that’s somebody’s idea of stability, well, I am well aware of that state so there is no need to worry that I can or can’t be doing what I am doing. I generally don’t talk to too many people about everything going on in my life, because my mind is always changing, so I hate to say, “oh I want to do this and be here at this time”, then literally an hour later that could all be out the window. I keep a lot of things I am doing or looking to pursue to myself until it becomes more of a serious thing because of that. So I can understand why some people might think I just live this care-free, gypsy life, fucking around, picking daisies and sliding down rainbows on my unicorn. But I do have ideas, and bigger plans, hopes & dreams. What I think the problem is, is that I have too many of those! However, I have set some-what of a base for a lot of those plans. Maybe for some I’ve only laid the most minimal foundation so far, but to me, that is still a start and better than nothing. This is why I like to try so many different things, and work so many different jobs, and get all these certifications such as my 200 hour yoga teacher cert, wilderness first responder, AIARE 1. All of these certs are the very beginnings of so many different paths I could take, the reason I pursued them all! They were the start of something! Where I choose to go with them is up to me, and I am still figuring that out. But at least I started and that’s all that matters to me. Which is what is all that should matter.

Per usual I went off on a tangent! The point of the matter, I am back in Tahoe, with no end date. Maybe the whole season, maybe not? Perhaps I’ll take trips and come back here, but for now I feel like Tahoe is my base. I want to be here right now, it shouldn’t matter too much to any one why. It’s where I’m happy for multiple reasons, that should be enough of a reason.

make it up as we go along

Sometimes I think, “Man, why can’t people just get rid of their old beliefs and move on with the times?”. Then I realize that I, myself, still get stuck in my own old ideas. Such as my ideas of where I thought I would be at this time in my life. That’s just the way we grew up though, with these ideas instilled in our heads: school, work, marriage…that’s life. I am pretty happy with where I am at. Sure, I am constantly wondering when I will find that one thing that over takes me and I decide to pursue as a “career”, however, I like to think I am enjoying the ride to finding that. While also in the back of my mind always thinking, I may never find the “one” thing. I’ve always been all over the board and loved trying different things. I want to know how to do everything, that is the problem. I have a hard time concentrating and trying to master just one thing. So, I have been trying to figure out how on earth I can involve it all. But aside from job/career stuff, I had these ideas when I was young about family and friends. There are people you think will always be around, or your relationships will never change. You love some people so much you can’t imagine that love changing. I thought when I was little I could never leave Tacoma. How could I? It’s where I grew up, it’s where my immediate family is, it’s where my best friends are, it’s close to the rest of my closest family. But then I left. At first thinking I would be back without a doubt when I was ready to settle down. That time still hasn’t come and I am not sure if Tacoma is the place I can do that. So, I say, that’s okay, but definitely Washington. How could I not settle and raise a family in my home state, which is so beautiful, has all the seasons (seemingly not equal time), and will at least be only hours away from the people I care about most? I’m still mostly on that train but trying very hard to not even think about that. Because things change. The way you thought life would be as a kid, is most likely a total 180. I mean of course I still love my family and best friends! And I think that I am one of the lucky few who has a solid group of friends that I have had for 10+ years, some 20+. For goodness sake, my brother is marrying my best friend of 19 years, sister! What girl didn’t dream of being sisters with their best friend when they were young?! That’s some story book shit. You can’t pinpoint all that changes, nor do I really want to. You just feel them, and sometimes it hurts a little, to let go of those ideas and plans you had. Realizing as you change, others do to. There just isn’t enough time to do all the things you want and spend enough with every one you want to. That’s one of the scary things about having kids, is when they are old enough to leave. And if they turn out like me, they just keep leaving and coming back and you never know for how long. That’s definitely harder on a mom than the kid. My mom is very supportive of everything I do. That is another thing I am very lucky to have, despite all the things that may make me angry about them, they are both very supportive. A lot of people who live my lifestyle don’t have that. They mostly get the, “When are you going to grow up, get a real job, do something with your life?”. A question about school may come up, or if I’m interested in working further in a certain field, but never any pushing, poking, or prodding. At least not yet…

Some relationships I never thought would be the tiniest bit distant, are right now…that’s ok. Because that doesn’t mean they always will be. Some people still have a lot to figure out, myself included, and it’s hard to understand what someone else is doing when you are trying to understand what you, yourself are doing. I just wish that everyone would recognize and respect that about one another and that your paths may have once been parallel, but if they aren’t any longer doesn’t mean they won’t at least cross again.

I certainly never would’ve foreseen my life as it is, and I feel that as time is going on I’m getting less of an idea about how it should be or how I want it to be in X amount of years. Maybe that is something we should all work on, having too many expectations can back fire, and plans, well, they don’t always work out. Now, I’m not being naïve here, and living some carefree, don’t give a fuck life. I’m just saying everyone has different end goals, if any, thus a different route to get to them. To each their own, that’s basically all I want to say. 🙂

Cheers 

 

It’s about the journey, eh?

well the journey has been nothing short of dull..

Oh, hey Tahoe! It’s been a good 7 months or so, and 43 hours to get here from Tacoma! Usually a 12-hour drive, 13 if you are going slow…what’s another 30?! I guess traveling during one of the biggest storms thus far this season isn’t very smart, but hey, I have my home on my truck so I figured I’d take the gamble. Figuring if worst comes to worst I’d have to sleep somewhere in the camper. That happened, twice. Got shut down in Oregon due to an I-5 closure, then after finding a way roundabout way on the freeway the following morning I had a pretty smooth drive into, and through, California. Just as I was about to make my way out of Grass Valley, CA and onto the final home stretch to Truckee…they had closed all highways into Truckee. It was only 3:00 pm. The good news: I was dying for a burger and parked right across the street from a small joint. Got a fantastic burger then decided to try my luck and see how far I could make it towards Truckee taking a different route. I managed to make it on to the interstate for a little ways, but got shut down. Luckily there was a rest stop nearby so Socks and I posted up there for the night. It was around 6:30 by this point and I was pretty exhausted from the night before so I did some camper rearranging and then just dosed in and out of sleep for a few hours. Opening my eyes just long enough to check the road status then trying to get back to sleep. Finally, at 2:52 am when I happen to awake for a minute, I checked the status and the roads were open, with restrictions. I decided it was way too late and sketchy to try and drive at that hour so I would try and sleep for a couple of more hours and hope that the road conditions stayed as they were. Chains were required on all vehicles except 4wd with snow tires, one guy tried to stop me and have me put chains on my front tires but I managed to squeak by. I knew that probably wasn’t the smartest, and I could easily get into some trouble driving up the steep summit it, but fortunately the weather wasn’t too bad and it was very slow moving. I made it to Truckee at 6:45 Thursday morning, finally! Thursday was a rather anti climatic day; my first stop was of course the trusty Crest Café. I found out the pass I was planning on getting to Squaw was no longer available so I weighed out my other options and then met up with a friend for a dog walk in Tahoe city. It was a gorgeous sunny day and the whole area was blanketed with snow. A couple feet of snow in some places. I meandered around Squaw and went back to the Crest for sushi night. I saw a lot of familiar, friendly faces Thursday and it was great to catch up with some of those people! Friday morning I set out on my mission to get to Squaw Valley USA, get a pass, and snowboard! Just before getting to the turn off to Squaw…the parking lots were filled. The same went for Alpine meadows…to the trusty Crest café I went again to reassess and figure out a game plan for the day! After not getting much done besides a lot of sitting and useless internet perusing, I headed back to Truckee to take socks on a walk around the river. I was hoping there would be a ton of snow on the trail so I could just take my splitboard out and use it like a pair of cross country skis, but they had plowed the trail. So, a regular old walk was going to have to do. We stayed parked there at the end of the road by our favorite spot to start the trail and took an hour nap in the camper. The sun was heating the camper up just enough to sleep comfortable under one blanket. Then came time to figure out what to do with the rest of our day. I decided I would be proactive and go back to Squaw and get my pass so I had no obstacles Saturday morning, and could just get up early, drive straight there, and get in line. Also, I had left my wallet at the Crest and figured the sooner I get that the better. On the drive that way, I quickly realized I picked a terrible time to go if I planned on getting back to Truckee any time soon after. Traffic was already backing up in the opposing direction. I picked up my wallet, went to Squaw and successfully got my pass. But then I was stuck. By the looks and sounds of it, it was going to take an hour just to get off the Squaw Valley Rd and onto highway 89, and easily another hour to get to Truckee. That suspicion was confirmed today hearing stories from last night. My good friend was working at a restaurant in the village though so I decided I’d hang out and try and wait out the traffic. That was somewhat successful. I got bored of standing around the restaurant though, and that’s all there was to do due to everyone else having the same idea about trying to wait out the traffic. There was more than a 2 hour wait to be seated. No one was going anywhere any time soon. I made a move toward Truckee, it wasn’t so bad, at least compared to what it had been. Still…50 minutes to go 10 miles isn’t exactly ideal.

Waking up Saturday to hearing that it was already raining at the mountain wasn’t ideal either…but I had all my ducks in a row and was not going to let that parking lot fill up before I got there again. I didn’t get there as early as planned but the lots weren’t nearly as full as I had thought they may be and there wasn’t any line at KT. I hopped right on the chair. Moved about 50 feet and the chair stopped…for 30 minutes at least…in the pouring rain. I had a puddle in my lap that began to seep through to my base layers. “Figures” was all I could think…just my luck. I finally got off the chair and it was raining at the top. I couldn’t see very well and to say the least, it most definitely wasn’t the first run in Tahoe for the season that I had imagined. And just like that, that was it. Break time. A beer with Andy, severe loss of motivation, and soaked almost to the bone from one run…I was ready to call it. Today wasn’t my day. That became even more apparent walking to the truck, slipping in the slush filled parking lot and fully laying out, flat on my back in a puddle deep enough it had covered the entire top of my foot in my boot. Now I was sure today wasn’t my day. The entire back half of my body was now fully saturated. My helmet fell off and was full of water. I was on the verge of crying and laughing hysterically. Only me…only me. Half of me happy no one I knew saw, the other half wishing a friend was there to just pound a beer and laugh at the series of minor misfortunes happening this week. Being thankful that thus far, they have only been minor hiccups and trying not to let them get the best of me. The upside, I was walking to the camper where I had plenty of dry clothes to put on immediately and not have to sit in traffic soaking wet. Now all I wanted was a hot shower, hot coffee, and a hot meal. Leading me to here…enjoying one of my all-time favorite coffee shops. Hot coffee: check…now to go cook a hot meal and find a hot shower!! Excited to see how the rest of this impulsive, so far eventful, trip to Tahoe goes! Stay tuned…

 

Blazin’ a new trail

OK! I did it, I fucking did it. I bought a camper. And I instantly thought, “fuck, what did I just do? I know nothing about repairing anything, or owning camper and all the mishaps that can happen with that. What if it leaks? What if the roof collapses? How the hell am I going to stay anything above absolutely frozen in the mountains this winter? At least I’ll be warm while riding so maybe that will get me out of bed early every day to hike, or ride all day just to simply be warmer than I will be in the camper.”

Yea, a wave of thoughts and fear. But I did it. And well I figure, only another fool would buy a camper in the winter without thoroughly researching if this thing will even survive a winter, so I’m kind of stuck with it. Days after it was officially loaded on to the truck Hilary and I took off to California. I was pretty terrified the entire time. The closest I’ve come to driving a loaded truck was driving with a trailer and a couple kayaks From Tahoe City to Zephyr Cove in 4th of July traffic. So, needless to say, that was a pretty slow drive. No freeways, or 30 mile long switchback, or nearly one way roads. Although, along with those two factors plus 12 hours on the freeway, it was also a very slow drive. In hindsight, though, I couldn’t be happier we left when we did, and with the camper! I feel confident in driving it around now, I’ve even been driving it around town now that I am back home for a bit. The only real downfall to that is the gas. HOLY shit the gas. I mean I knew it was going to be a huge hit, but the prior knowledge of that doesn’t make it suck any less. Now that I am home I need to get some stuff done to it to help winterize it as best I can. It’s overwhelming I don’t know where to start. My dad has been working a new job since July which involves a lot of traveling out of town and more meetings when in town, so I haven’t had him around for help as much as I would hope. That’s good and bad. It’s bad just because it makes me put things off longer, scared to tackle things alone, but good because it forces me to tackle them alone! That is what I want after all. I want to know how to do these things and be able to do them myself. I love doing things with my dad for the reason that it’s doing them with my dad, but sometimes that turns into him doing them, and me not doing much. I do try though! He can just tend to take over, or yells a lot so it’s easier to just let him yell at his tools and inanimate objects and not trying to interject. I may say this every year, that I will make this year about doing the things I say I am going to, or want to, do, and I mean it! (say that every year too). Buying this camper though may be something that forces me to get some of that shit done that I say I will do. Because things will happen that I will be forced to face right then and there. It’s the best way to learn, even though often it is a gong show when it does. You come out on the other side better and knowing more. My dad has changed my oil for me tons of times, and every time I was there, but doing it on the truck will be my first time doing it all by myself without him at least over my shoulder. It’s a big deal to me because I am just always worried the littlest thing can go wrong and I’ll blow something up haha. I felt that way a lot on the boat too this summer. I want to do things by myself but I just like having that eye in the sky to make sure nothing was missed in the process and someone or something will break. That is until I am 100% confident in a particular task.

I’m going to start with re-caulking the whole camper, just to ensure seals. The dream is to get a woodstove in there! The other day I was looking at camper renovations and man people do some crazy cool stuff! I don’t have many visions for a total revamp right now, but it would be cool to really re-do it and make it my own custom thing. For now, I will stick with putting in a stove because that will certainly take some customization. It just takes getting started, at least to the point of no return on a project, so that I have no choice but to finish it. I guess a big thing is I am just lazy, like lazy when it comes to research. I don’t want to have to read a bunch and filter through all the junk information that is on the internet. I would love someone to just tell me what to do and how to do it, but that wouldn’t really be doing it myself would it? Obviously, there are things I will want professional advice on before delving too deep. And I sometimes I think, “Well if somebody is just telling me what to do, I will still be learning, just not figuring it out myself. But I will remember how to do things in the future and what to look for.” In the end though I need to just start doing it all on my own, the other way is easier and less scary, but this is what I want. I just can’t shake that fierce desire to be totally independent.

Anyway, stay tuned for updates on the #trailblazer. I’m not totally into the name but that is the model of the camper, and it starts with a T! Tarin, Tubesocks, Tom (short for Tomatillo, the green tomato), and the Trailblazer! So I’ll keep thinking, but for now, trailblazer sticks.

 

just another thought or two…one in the same.

8.16.16

Well, time is winding down. I have my summer time ta do list hanging in my room. I haven’t really worked on much of it. But weather really has out a damper on the paddling thing! My yoga and pushups have been struggling. Can’t do the pistol squats! Well, I have been afraid to anyway because of my knees. Spanish and uke thing…yeah..slacking! my reading has fallen behind.. BUT it’s still only half way through August, and this season could go for another month and a half! That is still a lot of fucking time on this boat! However, I keep hearing we spend a lot more time in the cove come September, which might mean spending a lot more time with the Tahoe gang. Or not! Who knows. I hope so, like if I can do stuff with them! Like some exploring and what not.

Anyway, I’m not quite sure what I want to write about.

As usual.

Just let the mind trail I guess…

…………………

What am I doing? The eternal question. I just cannot wait to be back with my pup. Traveling alone might be hard. I mean I know it will be hard, and lonely. I am not sure what it is but I just feel like I have to do this. And I have to do this now. Now is my chance to make this happen. The perfect time to give it a go. So I am just so anxious for Fall to be here and to get this going! Anxious to see if this is really what I want, if it is really what I will enjoy, if it is really what I need. Will I love it? Will I just survive it? I have this dream of just LOVING it. Feeling the complete sense of freedom and not even knowing if I could actually live another way. I am also scared though. What if I hate it? What I if I put all this money and energy into wanting this and making it happen and it turns out it is not for me what so ever? So what, I guess…right? I mean if that is the case at least I tried. I have to try. If I don’t I will always wonder. I feel like I have been searching for something I could do for work from the road so that I have something to do and keep me distracted when I am sad, or lonely. Like something I HAVE to do that will get my mind off of things when I need to. I guess I could just work on my self-discipline too. Find other things to make myself do to get out of those funks when they arise. Sometimes I just like to sit in that funk though and let it pass. And I suppose that’s not actually a bad thing. It’s important to recognize those things and feel them out, occasionally at least.

I have to do this.

I just want to spend the winter exploring. I want to go to new places. Meet new people. Do new things! Absolutely have to do this. I guess I also worry that if I do this I might get scared or tired of going new places alone. Never having friends or knowing anyone, and end up staying in familiar places and not getting out there. Especially with socks not being the friendliest. BUT there is no question that he will be with me! I CANNOT do this without him. I WILL NOT do this without him. Makes me want to get another puppy though haha. And train him real good and maybe socksie will learn some stuff. But that’s just a huge handful. I cannot have two full grown big dogs and be leaving doing the things I do or want to do. I am not sure why I am thinking about getting a second dog right now. It’s insane. I just miss my baby so much I cannot wait to see him. I actually need to quit talking about him so that I don’t get myself all worked up and sad.